By Dana Ayers
There are many reasons why I run. Sometimes I run just to be in the fresh air and clear my head. Other times I run because I know I need to counteract the caramel mochas I give myself as a treat because work was stressful, or dating was disappointing, or because it was Tuesday.
I run because I love feeling accomplished afterwards, and by “accomplished” I mean “less guilty about consuming stuffed French toast.” I also run because the smiles and head nods from other runners make me feel like I’m part of their team, like I belong to a community.
Often I run because I’ve learned that getting out and logging miles on the road has a way of surfacing all kinds of gifts that I can take into the rest of my life. The road is where I hone my ability to persist, and push against my own resistance and doubt. It’s where I can prove to myself that I have the strength to persevere and do more than I thought I could. It has taught me patience, humility, and the importance of wearing the right undergarments – real life lessons.
So you’d think that knowing all this would make it easy to keep getting out and hitting the road, right?
Not always.
I started seriously slacking in my running this past winter. Work was busy, I felt overwhelmed by stress, and I started spewing excuses for why I shouldn’t run. “It’s too dark,” “it’s too cold,” “‘Say Yes to the Dress’ is on and I’m already wearing my couch pants…” etc. I wrote a book about running late last year and suddenly I found myself not actually running much at all. Let me tell you… it can make you feel a bit guilty after a while if you’re giving people tips on how to start running yet you’ve stopped running!
Finally, when spring came, I knew I had to take my own advice and get out there somehow. I started hesitantly – “wogging” (walking and jogging) for a couple miles at a time. Some days, I found those old rewards of the road again. I’d feel proud and strong, or I’d get that awesome light feeling where the movement seems effortless, the weather is perfect, and I’m overcome with gratitude that I’m able to run. Other days, however…
Other days were like the run I had last week. The kind of run where my earbuds won’t stay in, my shorts keep riding up, and I’m tense with racing thoughts and a giant “To Do” list dancing in my head. An angry run. A frustrated run.
I remember hitting the road one day recently to escape. I needed something to stop the cycle of perfectionism and anxiety swirling around my brain, yet this particular run was just making me feel like I was failing at one more thing.
What are you doing to me, Road? Where did all those awesome running benefits go?
Where was the clarity? Where was the endorphin high? I couldn’t find any of it, but I kept pushing, believing the road must have something for me, somewhere. At the end, I finally found the gift, and it was: exhaustion.
Like a toddler whose parents try to wear them down before bedtime, I had managed to tire out the stressful voices in my head. I didn’t kill them, or even answer them – I outlasted them. For that day, at least. Yes, my “To Do” list was still waiting for me. No, I never got those other running rewards I was expecting, like a feeling of accomplishment or enlightenment. But what I got was the gift of being too tired to worry, or fear, or care about trivial things anymore. All those hyper toddler-like thoughts running around in my head finally settled down and took a nap. And for that day, that was my gift.
You never know what the road is going to give you. But I’ve learned through many years that it’s worth pushing until you find out.
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Dana is the author of the #1 Best Seller “Confessions of an Unlikely Runner (A Guide to Racing and Obstacle Courses for the Averagely Fit and Halfway Dedicated).” Dana accidentally became a runner over 10 years ago and has logged a vast array of average finish times since. She is a former White House staffer, and current military reservist.
